Mine to Tell by Donnelly Colleen L

Author:Donnelly, Colleen L [Donnelly, Colleen L]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 26

“Call out to her that her warfare has ended,

that her iniquity has been removed.”

I did my best under the circumstances. I completed the chores without complaint, I tended the boys, I kept the household running. Isaac grew tired of my night-time games and began to insist I fulfill those duties also. He was right, it was my duty, but whenever he reached for me I would beg for more time, told him I couldn’t yet and that I was sorry. I never explained that it made me feel adulterous. He would have assumed I meant toward John, but it wouldn’t have been John I was betraying, it would have been Isaac. I would come to Isaac’s bed with another man in my heart, and that was something I couldn’t bring myself to do. My hesitancy hurt him, made him angry, but still he never forced me or insulted me.

He asked me to travel with him to the churches he preached at. I didn’t, though I should have. I couldn’t bring myself to do that any more than I could be his true wife at night. It was wrong of me on both counts, and guilt tormented me. But if I came with him to the churches, a line would be drawn behind me, making me his in ways I wasn’t yet. If he could just be patient, someday I would.

The boys accepted me. Levi even appreciated me. They were my reprieve in an endless list of duties. They smiled, saw me as a benefit to their lives rather than a mother, and felt comfortable enough to talk openly to me and trust me with their childhood problems. Isaac often frowned at our interactions, though I never understood why. Was it too much? Not enough? Was my comfort with them something he envied? He never said and I never asked. They were his boys; they were my reprieve.

My mother came to visit often. I knew she worried about me, but she also looked afraid when Isaac was there, as if she knew I hadn’t kept my part of this arrangement and feared Isaac would send me back and ask them for money instead. It was a foolish thought, for no one would ever do that. It would make light of a human, a woman in particular, even more than what they’d already done.

John…I promised myself I wouldn’t think of him anymore, but I did. He wrote, sending me letters under Henrietta’s name, trying to be kind and indifferent when he wasn’t. He wasn’t being kind to himself this way, and he couldn’t convince me he was indifferent. I tried to be indifferent also, but I couldn’t, so I didn’t hold him accountable for his pretense. But I knew I shouldn’t think of him. For as long as I did, I wouldn’t be able to honor my husband and Isaac would continue to be angry and my mother afraid. Oh, John, we must stop this!

~*~

There was a knock at my door, and I rose to answer.

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